People pleasing often looks like kindness.
But it’s usually fear in disguise.
The fear of letting others down.
Of not being liked.
Of not being enough.
But here’s the truth, Sinead…
When you’re constantly bending to please everyone else, you’re abandoning yourself.
That’s not leadership. That’s martyrdom.
Coaching Room Insight
I know this one up close. I used to think of myself as “just being helpful.”
But if I’m honest?
I was the one who organised every family event. Bought every birthday present. Hosted all the things.
Even when I didn’t want to.
Even when it tipped me into resentment.
It felt easier than saying no.
Easier than the awkwardness of disappointing someone.
Easier than hearing, “You’ve changed.”
But over time, it became gut-wrenching.
Because people pleasing isn’t really pleasing anyone.
It’s being inauthentic – showing up as who you think you need to be to keep the peace.
And worst of all? You train people to expect it.
You teach them that your time, your energy, your boundaries are negotiable.
And they will, consciously or not, treat you accordingly.
Golden Tip
Catch it. Call it. Change it.
Next time you feel that familiar pull to say yes, ask:
“Where did that yes come from? Fear or alignment?”
And follow it up with:
“How do I please me right now?”
Start noticing your triggers.
Who or what flips your people pleaser switch?
Name it. Don’t shame it.
And then choose differently.
Latest Research Nugget
A 2022 study published in Personality and Individual Differences found that high people-pleasing tendencies are linked to increased levels of chronic stress, resentment, and burnout – particularly in women in midlife leadership roles.
Why?
Because over-functioning becomes your norm.
You take on more. Say yes more.
And end up under-rewarded, under-recognised, and overwhelmed.
In perimenopause, this is amplified.
Your energy is lower, your brain more sensitive to stress. What you could “power through” before now knocks you sideways.
It’s not a personality flaw.
It’s a pattern. And you can break it.
Win of the Week
“One of the biggest shifts I’ve made is seeing where I was saying yes just to be liked. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I realised I had few boundaries…now I’ve stopped rescuing everyone at work and started asking:
‘What do I want?’ It’s scary, but it’s changed everything.”
– Executive Leader, Tech Sector
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